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brittanelyse
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Name: brittan
Gender: Female
Interests: passion - for god. people. life. travel. . . anything and everything... live fully.
traveling, playing piano, NYC!,diet cokes, power tools, photography, power yoga with rodney yee, ben folds, romatic comedies, painting, going to coffee houses, my girls, wasting money at restaurants but enjoying the rich memories, making t-shirts, surprises, holding on to expectations and dreams no one thinks possible...REALLY LIVING and with God helping others to come alive.
Expertise: falling in love with life! comsuming incredible amounts of diet coke. making artsy things. spending as much time as i can with people i love.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/12/2004
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and
i always thought my dreams would come true....
never have i been disillusioned.
not completely at least. yes, maturity brings realism... but should it break our dreams? are we foolish to think what we hoped for as a child exists as an adult?
this past season i have struggled over this. i am not sure what or how or who to believe. on one side i have my innocence whispering that if i just hold on long enough, if i just dream soft enough, if i just keep looking toward the horizon my prince, my castle, and my background music will crescendo into appearance. but on the other side, there are the life experiences that have bruised me, screamed at me, and deceived me.
which voice is louder? i'm not sure. . . they shout. whimper. urge. taunt. sing. push. lull.
inspire. conspire.
motivate. retaliate.
resound. confound.
i no longer am sure which to believe in. or to join. or to cling to.
one gives hope...
one takes hope...
but the hope-giver, sets us up for the falls of the hope-taker.
if we believe in nothing, we cannot be disappointed.
if we have no dreams, we cannot be crushed when they do not come true.
if we have no expectations, we cannot be let down and wounded.
however...
if we believe in everything, our hope grows and the future holds promise.
if we have big dreams, we pursue them with passion. we discover ambition, commitment, and sacrifice.
if we expect things, we believe that people and ourselves are capable and worthy.
which is better- not believing - - - not fully living, not demanding the best of people, not giving the benefit of the doubt, wearing the mask of self-preservation, never running but never crashing either?? or. . . believing - - - risking yourself on the hope of more, helping people become simply because you think they can and should, walking without a wall, being vulnerable, running freely despite the chance of crashing painfully?
is life really better behind the wall of disillusionment... having your eyes totally open to see the painful truths around us. yes, reality is harsh, often disappointing. often heart breaking. but this wall, it keeps us locked behind the presupposition that people are doomed to fail us. that life will hurt us. that good will not come, cannot come. that we are flawed. that we have failed before we even started.
or is life about the moments we soar... the times we fly. the days our hearts are overflowing. the smiles brought to us. the songs we can't help but to hum along with. a life walking without a wall. yes, reality is still as harsh. people can still be ugly and cruel. but like this, we don't expect them to be. we hope. we dream. good is still possible. flaws can be mended. failure can be overcome and turned to triumph.
you tell me. . . would you rather walk along calmly - without flying. without believing, with fewer falls and fewer heartbreaks? or would you rather risk flight, sometimes crashing but sometimes soaring?
do the moments when your dreams come true outweigh your broken heart?
or would you rather have neither heights not depths?
how do you see?
are you walking behind the wall?
can you still believe?
do you even want to?
i do. there are days, i wish i didn't expect. hope. or dream. but those are the days i hurt the most. when i forget my dreams, lower my expectations, and lose hope and heart. . . i might be protected from outside pain, but i bleed within. and that is ever so much more damaging.
i still believe. . . . . . | | |
| October 18,2005
[dedicated to someone, you know who you are, i've cared for you for years. may you know i am praying that you and that you find what you are seeking]
He is living in this half-life
walking in dreams, sleeping in day.
He can't quite see through the fog.
A heavy haze, the twilight glow.
The moment of half-awake, but not yet living.
He is living in this half-life
with only part of his broken heart...
He feet are dragging,
but his shoes are shined.
And he still has the smile,
cause everything is "fine."
just fine.
Safe. Comfortable. and Half Alive.
He wakes to crawl over mountains.
One heavy hand over hand.
But there is nothing to hold onto -
He wants to rest in pieces.
He wants a peace to rest in.
We see him as strength, as a man, as a hero.
As one, who knows where life is going.
He knows that he is lying.
He knows that he's not living.
I want to wake him up.
to part the deepened haze.
to take the night from his darkened days.
Inject him with life.
Make his heart beat.
I want him to know more.
I want him to know You.
He's walking in this half-life.
He's not asleep.
But he's yet to wake...
How can I shake the slumber and not wound the sleeper. . .
How do I level mountains but carry their vagabond creeper?
I hate the gray. I hate the fog. I hate that he is only "fine."
May morning come and life break through...
I pray he wakes to the dawn of You. | | |
| whoops... i'm kind of behind on my xanga posts. to those crazy readers [if in fact there are any still, which i doubt since myspace and facebook are the cooler version of ol' faithful xanga] to those few.. i apologize.... hahah... and this is for your reading pleasure...
I walked the beach today. And a rather odd sensation came over me, kind of like I was watching myself walk down the beach; kind of like I wasn't really me. I looked around and I just saw so much skin. So incredibly much. Here and there, in my face, in the water, laying out, walking... it was everywhere.
and all of a sudden...
I
was
sickened.
And I wanted to run inside and put on a sweat-suit. Something that would show no skin whatsoever. I didn't want to be a part of this world obsessed with showing everything that we have.
Why is it that we feel so compelled to reveal our outer selves? [but yet... we hide the inner parts...] As a collective group, we will show pretty much anything, for the right price, or the right reward, or to hear the right words, or get the right ring.
I don't understand this... but so often, I fall prey to its lure.
I want to wear the revealing clothing.
I want to show the skin.
But really..... what I want more than that is to show me. To be looked at for me.
And in this world- our skin, is a shallow substitute for the real us.
We feel that when others are "admiring" our skin, they are admiring us, who we are. Perhaps thinking of who we will become, or where we have travelled, or what kind of ice cream we like....
Perhaps they are seeing our skin, then seeing past our skin.
And that is what we want.
We want to be seen.
But I realized today that what we want is not what we get....
I walked past a group of young girls, all bikini clad, all flouncing about, all trying to look like they weren't trying, trying not to stare at the boys staring at them....
And I got sad.....
All these girls really want is love. All they want is to be seen. And they are reaching for that in the only way they have been shown to... to show skin.
. . . . at least then they will be looked at.
. . . . . however, they will not be seen. . . . .
But sometimes, we fail to see the difference between the two.
What is to be done about this? Should we wear sweat-suits? Should we avoid the beach?
I'm not sure. I don't have the answer... but, I am now acutely aware of the problem.
We are a world crying out to be seen.
to have our flaws exposed.
to have our weakness out in the open.
to have our fears named.
to have our "issues" unhidden.
to have our hypocrisy unmasked.
- - and then to be told "iloveyou" still...
Skin - It covers us. But it reveals us too... | | |
| do you see me?
"I'm just starving for God. And I feel so inadequate. I'm trying to learn how to experience the emotions that God gave me the full gamut of them. If I'm in anguish, I want that to lead me to God. If I'm joyful, I want that to celebrate God." - charlie hall
START WITH THIS - - -
"Bravery" music and lyrics by charlie hall
And as we talked I was speechless
for my heart pounded
And as we walked a little while
I knew that I'd been found
and here I am no more disguise,
no longer blinded
I see it clear, I am yours,
I am yours - And You are breath taking and breath giving
I rise above all the flattery and frowns
I put my head up to your chest
and listen for sound
You make me brave every time I see you smile
I see it clear, I am yours, I am yours
Doesn't my heart burn within me
ADD THAT TO - - - -
Natalie Grant's "The Real Me"
Foolish heart, looks like we're here again.
Same old game of plastic smile,
Don't let anybody in.
Hiding my heartache,
Will this glass house break?
How much will it take before I'm empty?
Do I let it show?
Does anybody know?
But You see the real me.
Hiding in my skin, broken from within.
Unveil me completely.
I'm loosening my grasp,
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause You see the real me.
Painted on, life is behind a mask,
Self-inflicted circus clown.
I'm tired of the song and dance,
Living a charade, always on parade.
What a mess I've made of my existence.
But You love me even now
And still I see somehow...
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When You look at me.
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life
Into a perfect tapestry...
and you love me just as i am.
wonderful, beautiful is what you see
when you look at me.
EQUALS = ME. . .
i wonder if you see me. . . see "the real me"... can you?
[sidenote... happy birthday to someone who might read this. you know who you are. i haven't forgotten about you.] | | |
| Wake up and be drenched. . . .
March 12, 2007
Wake up, Oh Sleeping Body
that slumbers while the world lies
dying.
Live - - Arise - - our Day has come. . .
it came long ago, but we've been
lifeless....
Wake up, Oh Church
For there is life to give.
There are souls to save.
Hearts to heal.
Wounds to bind.
Chains to break.
Sins to conquer.
Arise and join the War.
Our call is to change the world. . .
But his battle cannot be fought with
sleepingarmies.
The Enemy prowls hungry, the Darkness spreads its poison.
The secrets of the Flesh and desires of the Self are growing.
growing toward the otherside.... to join the ranks against Us.
The secrets they think they are keeping, are actually keeping them; the lies they think that they have told, in truth have them bound; the wounds they give to others, have cut them even deeper.
Oh yes, Great Sleeping Church, the Enemy is wide-eyed and awake.
He wastes no time destroying life. No moment gives He respite.
But why do we, the Light. the Answer. the Peace. the Love. the Victor. . .
why do we lay silent....
we cower in the shadow...
In "peaceful" dreams we sleep, pretending all is good.
We turn our eyes to religion to shield them from the War.
Our hands grasp tightly to the Book, but it never becomes the sword.
Our armor is shined, not a spot or a tarnish.
Oh, Sleeping body, that we may be drenched in the Battle.
Covered in evidence that we have fought hard.
Proof that we have not slept through the War, that we fight for the souls of the broken.
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